Saturday, December 4, 2010

Kona Kava Store - Kavalovetone 84% Capsules

Okay, okay. This about does in the Kona Kava Store in my book.

First of all, I didn't really want these capsules. Ordering them was a complete accident. I was trying to order their 84% liquigels for stressful situations, something to ease the tension during the day. But I get too generous with the clicks sometimes and found myself cursing at my computer after I saw "Thank You For Your Order!" There are apparently two 84% capsules sold by Kona Kava - one is kavalactone and one is kavalovetone. The Kavalovetone is a concoction of kava extract, St. John's Wort, gotu kola, and other herbs I am not even remotely interested in. Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against love. But I do have something against replacing the beating heart of Kava with an ephemeral emotion. To top it all off, I immediately sent an email to Kona Kava Store to which they promptly replied "Too late, we already sent it." Really? Most Kava vendors are nice folks who keep the lines of communication open. Most would at least send out a complimentary bottle of the stuff I had intended to buy. You know, to keep the customer satisfied... I was a bit taken aback. Victims of their own success? Possibly.

Second of all, these capsules do absolutely nothing. The bottle said take 2-3, so I took 6. One hour later I was basically ready to cry into my palms for paying $30 for 60 powerless and pointless vegan gel capsules. Absolutely nothing. To add insult to injury, the bottle has a crappy little label on it that looks as if it was printed sometime in the late 1980s on one of those teeth-fed printers that made a racket and caused neighbors to shut their windows*. For $30 you'd expect something better than that. The capsules are these little cheap-looking clear caps that have that health food store smell we have grown to... love? I gave them a good hour before judging, and then another additional hour to make sure, and then I sighed deeply and took down a bag of Pacific Kava Waka Kava and dumped two tablespoons into a strainer bag. I proceeded to get as krunk as possible on two tablespoons/two cups of Waka Kava - not a difficult task.

I've ordered several Kona Kava products and got the same disappointing results. While the Mahakea powder is decent (at best), their other products are really gimmicky and will be sure to disappoint. I'm not even sure if these capsules had Kava in them.

Not a Kava powder, so I'm not going to break it down.

0 shells out of 10

*Readers younger than 25 years old, read on and ignore this archaeological reference.

21 comments:

  1. The line "Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against love."
    It made me laugh.
    But seriously, sorry about this incident, hopefully it will just reassure people capsules are not to be messed with.

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  2. It's an old scam: sell inert powders as aphrodisiacs and rely on placebo effect or embarrassment to ensure the customer doesn't demand their money back.

    I'm a new reader of your blog, not new to kava (first shell in 1999), and your reviews are wonderful reading. Thanks.

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  3. One classic (paraphrased) line out of their email said, in essence, "you can feel free to order the product you intended to buy if you feel like it."

    Yeah, because I was under the impression that I wasn't allowed to hand over any more money to you...

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  4. Weird. I mean, I get the concept if they're trying to make "kavasextones" or something like that. Basically, that was Solomon kava is. Relaxes the blood flow and causes an erection, and makes touch hyperpleasurable.

    One thing I can recommend for liquid gels (the only ones I've ever used are Gaia Herbs), is to dissolve them sub-lingually to about the point where you want to spit it out. I don't know if it's enzymatic activation from the saliva, placebo effect from the numbness, or something else, but it works better than simply popping pills.

    By the same token, just swallowing a teaspoon of Fire Island seems to have no effect, but mixing it with water (especially extra-hot water) works quite well.

    I must commend you for not believing what many, many others have said, but rather making sure you experience it yourself. Still, $60 could buy you a pound or even a kilo of much higher quality kava.

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  5. $30, but I get your point. $60 would have been criminal.

    However, I did order $30 of Kava Lewana from Pacific Kava yesterday (500G) and found out they don't charge shipping! This might seem insignificant, but remember that they ship from New Zealand and that Pacific Kava is ridiculously delicious and strong. I had no idea they didn't charge for shipping. So that $60 sum you thought I spent actually did get spent - $30 worth of impotent pills and $30 worth of world class Fijian Kava.

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  6. I like nutritional supplements, usually (vit C, B complex, St John's Wort, etc) BUT kava kava extract supplements are something I would never buy (again). After relying on this information published on the Kona Kava website I terrified myself with blood in my stool:

    http://konakavafarm.com/kava-dosages.html

    Never again.

    The way that kava has been brewed for 3,000 years has worked fine for people in the South Pacific and it works fine for me.

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  7. Wow, kinda sounds like they're suggesting (but not agreeing/disagreeing) that no one should ever buy their pills.

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  8. Definitely Agree 100 percent with this review! I got duped into this one being a first time Kava user! Don't Buy!

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  9. Sent another email complaining about the impotency of their product, no response.

    This all wouldn't anger me so much if it wasn't for the fact that Kona Kava has bought their way to the top of the Google search list for "kava." It means that many would-be Kava drinkers are probably ordering a weak product and then giving up after that. Imagine if Nakamal at Home came up sooner? We'd have many more Kavaheads. That's not even mentioning Kava by Rex or Hawaiian Kava Center, who come up on the third or fourth page of searches.

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  10. Holy cow, I NEVER noticed that it was a KavaLOVEtone. I've bought several bottles as an early kava drinker, and stopped because the effect was marginal at best. Give me Nakamal instant (I prefer Shaman's) when I'm in need of a quick stress relief anytime over these things. Ever try their kava root tablets?

    Thanks for disseminating the truth!

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  11. I guess I am lucky. I came so close to placing an order with Kona Kava. I went to their website and from that day until now, their stupid Google ads appear on almost every web site I go to. I refuse to buy from them because they annoy me.

    I found the KavaLounge and read the reviews. I am so glad I did. Seems like Kona Kava is a rip-off operation. I made my first purchase with Nakamal@Home.

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  12. i think cleaning your cookies will take care of that annoying kona kava ad that is following you! i had the same problem. yea, rip-off co. tryed them too. stick with names recomended here! namaste

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  13. hey there! i would appreciate it greatly if someone could point me to a great kava product? i need it due to anxiety and sleep problems, and i am looking to buy the most potent formula made with love :)
    can someone please suggest me a source which is fair and safe?
    any help would be greatly appreciated.
    thanks in advance...
    j-pony

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  14. Jay pony look up
    http://www.kavabyrex.com
    http://store.bulakavahouse.com/collections/kava-root

    Good prices for good kavas.

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  15. I agree with previous comments. I bought Kona Kava first and found it to be worthless. No effect at all and I'm not talking about pills I'm talking about the root powder. Don't waste your money.

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  16. i just recently made the same mistake... after getting my kavalovetone garbage i realized that they actually drop ship. i'll have to fall back on my last bit of valium now, after getting so hyped up.

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    Replies
    1. after? What the fuck are yall a bunch of mo-rons that don't pay attention?..... lets see.... The shipping options are......duh dipshit

      Delete
  17. You did not pay attention to what you were ordering....... And you are intentionally deceiving people... Capsules and liquigels are not one and the same.... Your mistake should not be thrust upon kkf as their mistake.... It is yours and yours alone

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  18. Maybe you should just get your kavalactone from a certain poppy flower

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  19. we already sent it." Really? Most Kava vendors are nice folks who keep the lines of communication open. Most would at least send out a complimentary bottle of the stuff I had intended to buy. You know, to keep the customer satisfied... I was a bit taken aback. I sell Kava Kava Extract (Kavalacetons)

    ReplyDelete